Let it Go

I’m a football fan. I have been since my 4th grade class became divided amongst Cowboys fans and Steelers fans at recess days before Super Bowl 13.

That day in the schoolyard, the competition got pretty heated between the two factions. My hatred for the Steelers grew by the day and my devastation at the Cowboys loss was real. But hey, it was good clean fun amongst friends, right?

Recently, a friend and I were discussing football and wondering if the game is in fact “good clean fun,” or is it just too dangerous?

My friend turned me onto an old 60 Minutes segment featuring Tim Green, a former Atlanta Falcons player, who now lives with ALS.

In the interview we see the young Tim and the “oldish” Tim. The flashbacks of the young and vibrant football-playing Tim with the strength and bravado of a man in his prime as well as the Tim of today, who struggles with slurred speech, hunched shoulders and diminished motor skills. The difference was stark and stirring, to say the least.

Tim inflicted a lot of hits over the course of his football career. That was what he was out on the field to do… to hit men hard. All the glory was in that big hit.

Of course the big question to Tim was, “did he feel football contributed to the disease?” Tim thinks that it probably did. But, when asked if he would have foregone his successful football career if it meant that he would not have ALS, his answer was uncertain.

He was uncertain, but he was pretty sure that he would have played regardless of the consequences. “You have to know what it was like being out there, doing something you dreamed of and experiencing even for a moment the intensity of 60,000 people screaming for you and your teammates and feeling that energy through every pore in your body,” he confessed to the reporter. The moments of glory kept him in the game.

I’ve taken some hits in my life

I played varsity basketball in high school. I wasn’t good enough to know the glory of being a star player, but I had a few glimpses of success. I will never forget the feeling I got from hearing the cheers from the stands… for me… as I sunk a 2-pointer.

But really, more than the glory of sinking a few baskets or making a few rebounds here or there are the memories of the camaraderie of my teammates…. cutting up at practice, cheering each other on, high fives and pats on the back after wins. I may not have had 60,000 fans screaming for me, but I know the feeling of energy pouring through my body during games. I loved it!

Then, my sophomore year within the high intensity of the 4th quarter against Woodward Academy, I dove for a steal and dislocated my right shoulder. In that moment… for me… the cheers stopped. The only sound in the gym was me gasping for enough air to let out a groan. In my delirium, I do remember a teammate yelling at me over and over to just go ahead a cry. I guess she saw the grotesque sight that I couldn’t see… which was my arm dislodged from my body. And, she thought a good cry was appropriate.

Crying wouldn’t have solved anything. The dislocation was so bad that no coach would touch it. I was off to the emergency room.

A surgery followed a year later. And, I’ve lived with a fairly functional shoulder, albeit with limited range of motion, ever since. But, thankfully, for 25+ years I have lived with no debilitating problems. I’ve been healthy and active and pain free for the bulk of my life. In fact, I have been able to make teaching Pilates my livelihood for the past 2 decades… so return on investment on that 1986 surgery was pretty darn good.

However, I’m now at mid-life, and my old shoulder injury is coming back to haunt me. For the past year, I have not been able to do normal activities like brush my hair or get a glass out of the cupboard without pain. My doctor said that most old joint injuries become problematic decades later, especially after 40.

Knowing this, would I have forgone my high school basketball experience to have a healthy shoulder at mid-life? Like Tim Green, I really don’t have a clear answer yes or no.

The hits keep coming

This question hit me head on last year at a our annual Pilates conference for Romanas Pilates certified instructors.

This “invitation only” workshop is a treasured opportunity to work with one of the most highly esteemed master instructors. All of the attendees are highly trained Pilates instructors who are determined bring their A game to perform for their instructors and colleagues… as if they were performing for Joseph Pilates himself.

Well not only did I not have my A game at that conference, but I had no game at all… because of my shoulder, I couldn’t do the simplest of exercises. So I stood and watched as all the other instructors performed the advanced Pilates exercises with strength and grace.

I felt broken. I felt a loss of identity… I used to be an athlete and a Pilates instructor. What was I now?

To make matters worse, someone who didn’t know me and certainly didn’t know the extent of my shoulder injury insinuated to me that I was wimping out by not joining in on the exercises. What she didn’t realize was that I didn’t voluntarily take myself out of the game like a wimp… my body volunteered me out. It was telling me to stop. It was telling me to listen.

I left that workshop feeling old, defective and in decline.

Should we play it safe or take the hits?

So back to the question at hand… at what point should we take ourselves out of the game?

Do we play it safe or do we push ourselves to the breaking point?

Perhaps the answer is neither. Perhaps we actually have the tools to listen to an inner knowing… to hear the subtle whispers our body gives us. If we listen to what our body is telling us, maybe we can participate after all… participate with presence.

Let it go

Feeling broken down physically and mentally after the workshop, I went to see my acupuncturist, Dr. Li… who, by the way, is the real deal. There is something so old and wise, yet so young and vibrant about Dr. Li. Looking at him you can’t really tell if he is 40 years old or 80.

He is like a Chinese Yoda. In his ultra serene presence, you get a nervous sense that he’s so attuned to your vibrations that he might be reading your mind. In a panic, I was extra careful not to think thoughts that I’d be ashamed of. His peaceful presence did make me acutely aware of all of the angst that had been lodged in my body… probably there for a really long time.

He spoke very soft broken English that I had to strain to understand. But, his words and his nurturing demeanor immediately soothed the angst that I had been carrying.

He talked about how anxiety tightens the tissues and inhibits our body from working properly. A tight body is a breading ground for more anxiety… a vicious cycle.

What was originally supposed to be an appointment to fix my shoulder turned into another kind of treatment altogether. With the softly whispered 3 words “let- it- go,” Dr. Li was treating something a lot deeper than just a rotator cuff.

The kinder, gentler approach

After my profound lesson from Dr. Li, I realized that maybe it was time to try something that would seem very radical in today’s culture. It was time to just let it all go… to just simply relax and surrender to what is. I developed the knowing that it was time to stop pushing and trying so hard to “fix” the shoulder.

You don’t “fix” the body… the body fixes itself.

Instead of pushing, I focused on more kinder and gentler physical work such as acupuncture, homeopathy, craniosacral therapy, ortho-bionomy body work, meditation, massage and restorative yoga. I used these modalities as guides to tell tap into what my body wanted and needed to heal itself. That is right… the body heals itself.

Pain Free

All of those modalities, when practiced with trust and intention, can contribute greatly to healing… with trust and intention being the key components. I am a firm believer in seeking out many various forms of help that feel best to your own needs. There is never one answer or magic pill.

I am so grateful for all the different healing modalities that I’ve found. But, I will have to credit the Egoscue Method for being a game changer for my shoulder. It wasn’t until I read Pete Egoscue’s book “Pain Free” that things really started to change drastically.

The Egoscue Method is so simple, yet so effective. I was drawn to it because its premise is that the body wants to find its optimal alignment, and duh, that is what I’m all about so it was like a match made in heaven.

“Pain Free” and all of Pete Egoscue’s other books explain and show his method of simple exercises profoundly changed my alignment. These exercises are simple and can be done anywhere in just a few minutes.

I now teach these exercises to my Pilates clients to enhance their Pilates workouts.

Back to my fighting shape

After almost a year of practicing “letting it go,” I am definitely pain free and my range of motion is improving by leaps and bounds. Not only can I brush my hair and put away the dishes with ease, but I am getting my Pilates back!

Now that my injury is not so acute, Pilates will be a great tool to safely restore strength and efficiency to my shoulder.

Trust the wisdom of the body

I credit courage, patience and gratitude to my slow healing. It takes a long time to, as Dr. Li suggested, “let it go.”

But, being grateful for what your body can do rather than fixating on it’s limitations can be a huge factor in speeding up the process.

I have a unwavering belief that the body wants to find its optimal alignment. Sometimes we need to “let it go” and let the body do its work.

The magic answer

Our society is conditioned to find “the answer”… as if it were just that simple. When it comes to the body, a complex system of tissues and divine energy, I fervently believe there is not just one “answer.”

I certainly don’t know if there is an “answer” for ALS or if forgoing a successful football career was the “answer” for Tim Green. I don’t know if I’d be better off today if I hadn’t played high school basketball.

But, I do know that I’ve learned so much about the body and its ability to heal through my own surrender and stillness that I can better help my clients with their injuries. I do know that Pilates and other modalities like the Egoscue Method and acupuncture are so important to health and longevity. But I also respect that an injury is an injury… so don’t push it.

From my healing experience, I have learned to be still and listen to what my body is telling me. I trust the body’s wisdom. I am done with trying to force my healing. I am now better equipped to know when to effort and when to “let it go.”

The Balance Movement

Born out of my struggles with injury and recovery, I have developed a program to help others find balance in their bodies at TheBalanceMovement.com .

I have combined Pilates and alignment-based exercises to offer 15-minute and 30-minute workouts that can be done anywhere, anytime. I aim to help active people over 50 like me remain active for the rest of their lives… doing activities they love with the people they love most.